33 and feeling...free?

My birthday came and went 11 days ago, blurred by the moment of simultaneously returning from CR. In the days since, I've had a chance to reflect on where 32 left me and what I hope to do with 33.

It’s February 13th. I turned 33 exactly 11 days ago, just one day after returning from Costa Rica. I thought I’d write a reflection post on age 32. I even teased it on my birthday post on Instagram. But every time I sat down to write it, I just couldn’t. It didn’t feel worthwhile. The year was. Don’t get me wrong. But re-hashing it? I’m not so sure.

Today, I finally feel ready to share but to share from the perspective of 33 years old and 11 days. I’m wiser now. jk. The truth is turning 32 sort of came and went. That’s how it felt. I was mostly recovering from my late night arrival into DC from San Jose. Re-orienting to life post-adventure is always a bit of a transition. Then pile on what’s supposed to be a momentous day, and it all sort of fell flat.

In the days that followed, a lot’s come up for me. Initially, it was a sensation of: if I’m not here to do something worthwhile with my life, I don’t really want one. Yes, I know that sounds concerning. But let me explain. What I mean is, I’m not here to go through the motions and lead an ordinary, traditional life. I want to make the most of my time on this planet and I want to contribute in big ways that extend far beyond me alone. Turning 33 brought up the reminder that I still haven’t quite tapped into whatever it is I’m on this planet to do. I’ve certainly strived to figure it out, but I can feel I haven’t quite struck gold yet.

While those were the sentiments surrounding the early moments of 33, I’ve since evolved on that train of thought. The next thought in the line up was how often I get in my own way. In other words, the role I play in feeling off the mark. I’m in the habit of saying “I surrender” and then scrambling to do it all by myself. You see, I can’t hide the fact that my belief in a Higher Power with His hand at my back guiding me forward into the best next steps for myself and all involved plays a significant part in the way I live my life and see my life. So I won’t. It’s everything to me. But I often, at the last second of surrender, interfere and do things my way instead. Which, I’m learning by experience, only ever ends in a heap of wasted effort and exhaustion. The point is, the big life I’m here to live, I realize now, is and always has been available to me, but it requires that I let go and trust His way over my way. Why is that so hard to do?!

32, to go backwards for a moment, showed me nothing if not that. 32 was a year of seeing God’s timing and presence in everything, right down to the breakup in February, the writing assignments and odd jobs that somehow sustained me through January, February, and March as my bank account hit zero again and again, then the invitation and turning point moment that came in April as I became editor for Trips to Discover just as I was preparing to leave Oaxaca. From April on, I experienced a level of freedom I can honestly say I’ve never tasted before, and I’ve been leading a pretty free life for a decade now. That job and the extreme flexibility of it allowed me to go to Guatemala, Belize, Mexico, Portugal, Costa Rica and walk across a freaking country, with a cash flow that could sustain me and the freedom to let work complement my adventure, not dictate it or limit it in any way. It allowed me to focus on creating a life of my wildest dreams again, with more flexibility and possibility than I ever knew was possible. It’s been a gift that keeps on revealing its true value. It’s taken the pressure off my writing and it’s created more space for me to explore what it is I really want. And you know what? There was nothing hard about receiving this job. It fell in my lap at exactly the right moment, with minimal effort. It’s become my proof that God’s way is a whole lot better than my way and that it is safe to keep moving forward in the direction of my dreams, to refuse to settle for anything less than the life I know is possible. But boy does it take faith…and patience!

I hope my words don’t shut a few of you off to the message here. It’s not about religion. It’s about the comfort of knowing that we’re not alone on our paths - whether you believe in God or you believe in your community - and then trusting that fact. If you don’t believe me, set your sights on something, something small to start, then do nothing and watch the way to it appear. Of course, you will act and do. I’m not saying do nothing in that sense. What I’m saying is, don’t do from your own mental game plan for how you get what you want. Set the vision and trust that the way will appear. Don’t interfere.

Or…do like I’ve been in the habit of doing (trusting God with your dreams while simultaneously striving and struggling your way towards them just in case His timing isn’t your timing). Yeah…I don’t recommend that. But it’s okay if you do go about it that way, because in the end it’s always ever going to be His timing. It just doesn’t have to be that hard. That’s what I’m learning. This, in a nutshell, is what I know I need to practice like never before this year. Like really truly let go and let God. It’s an approach I’ve circled around for a while now, one that age 32 made clear really is safe to pursue. It’s time at age 33. Because it’s time to live the life I’m here to live. I feel that one in my bones. No more standing in my own way of that.

So here are a few of the visions I’m setting for age 33. I want to fulfill my long-held dream of learning to surf, and I want to do it around the world because I also want to keep seeing the world. I want to write stories for publications like CN Traveler, National Geographic, and Outside Magazine, not because I want my name to appear there but because I really have a story to share and it can reach more people there. I want to merge my life with my work so that one reflects the other seamlessly. I want to slow travel through cities, staying for two weeks or two months at a time, never days and not even years right now. I want to open up my world, and see what lay beyond the magnetic pull Latin America has over me. Though, I’m already failing at that one having kicked the year off in Costa Rica, flights booked for Nicaragua next Tuesday, and a housesit in Mexico for all of May…whoops haha.

32 was my self-designated year of facing my fears. Little did I realize how that goal was setting me up for this one. 33 is about following the flow and trusting the way to appear in ways my mind would have literally never come up with. Talk I’ve talked, but haven’t necessarily 100% walked. This year I walk.

Thank you for being part of my journey this past year. It was a wild one, but I honestly wouldn’t trade even one second of it for the lessons it’s left me with. On to 33. I cannot wait to see where this year leads.

Until the next update!

Amber