What's Updates Vol. 9
It was a Thanksgiving to remember, one that dished up more than turkey and stuffing and left me with a renewed sense of what it is I'm to focus on next...hopefully with my relationship still intact🤞.
I’ve been out of Oaxaca and in the States for a little over two weeks now. I wish I could say the transition between worlds has been smooth, but that’s far from what’s unfolded.
I’ve been doing this twice-yearly dance of flying home from whichever Latin American destination I’m living in, and each time what I walk into is somewhat of a shock to the senses. It takes me some time to find my rhythm in the new surroundings and new company.
This time, what I flew into was the every unfolding arrival of each of my family members. My youngest sister first, then my brother and sister-in-law the next day, and finally my other sister and her now fiance the day after. Plus there was my mom and then her cousins who sailed in (literally) just in time for Thanksgiving. It was a hit the ground running energy, full of events, late nights, early mornings, lots of food, no routines, and…a major reality check that was brewing in the background while I bobbed in the chaos and companionship of my family and the festive air.
When the dust settled and the last of the siblings had departed, all of the energy and emotion I’d been pushing down for the right moment to feel poured out of me. I was drowning in my own tears, only vaguely aware of what it was I was emoting about. Only now do I have a semblance of an idea.
Seeing each of my siblings moving along on their paths, one a newly engaged medical student on her way to becoming a doctor, the other a devoted Christian with a clear idea of what’s next upon graduation and a boyfriend who she can see herself marrying, and finally my brother, a very practical and traditional guy about to wrap up his navy career and pursue his passions in crypto and finance.
They’re each following relatively predictable and well-paved paths and I couldn’t help myself but compare (bad choice). It’s all very clear to them. They see where they’re going and when the questions pour in over the Zoom screen from family far away or from the mouths of my mom’s cousins, it all makes sense. But when those same questions flow my way, I’m met with cocked heads of confusion, doubt, worry, fear, quick fixes, and misunderstanding. It’s not as easy to paint a specific and understandable picture of a life I can’t quite see myself. I may have my why, but I don’t yet have my how. And as of yet, I don’t have a lot of tangibles to show for it.
These conversations did a number on me. Mostly because I deep down just wanted acceptance and belief in what I was doing even without the evidence of it working. As the week progressed, I started disconnecting from myself out of protection from the judgement of my work-in-progress life. I even started to doubt what the heck it is I’m doing. And I got angry that no one around me seemed to be in support. I was seeking their confidence before I’d even found mine.
Shadow energy at its finest.
In the midst of me losing touch with myself and my own belief in what I’m doing, I managed to screw up my relationship as well. I said things that came out completely wrong. I mis-directed my emotions and pointed blame in all the wrong places. I tried to control and fix my externals, rather than face and resolve the true source of all of it - me.
Unfortunately, my own emotional reactions and wavering in self-confidence may have cost me this very special relationship and the one person who blindly trusted what it is I’m up to. I hope not, but if this is how the relationship ends, it is not for nothing.
The truth is I needed a kick in the butt. I needed something that really means something to me to be taken away in order to see what I wasn’t seeing and find the motivation to do what I wasn’t doing.
In this space - in the quiet of an emptier house and the sudden cut off of all communication with the one person in my corner - I’m working on myself. I’m doing what I should have been doing. Prioritizing my connection to my own center and source of confidence. Identifying what it is I’m truly after and the part I need to play to make it all come true. Immersing myself in self-help audio books and taking time for meditation and journaling. Getting back to the things that I committed to doing like improving my Spanish, eating better, and finishing pending writing assignments.
This has been a trying two weeks. But I’m better for it. Each of these events and interactions was needed to wake me up and put me back on track stronger and more motivated than ever before. Whatever happens next won’t be by happenstance. It will be by the blending of my way and the way, meaning it will be an act of co-creation, not simply sitting on my hands and waiting.
Until next week.
Much love,
Amber